Losses and Gains

So…. I know I have been MIA on here for a while, but I honestly didn’t feel I could post again until I could announce a pregnancy.

You see… I was getting ready to write a post like this in January, but then I miscarried. At my nine week appointment we discovered there was no heartbeat. The little embryo was only measuring 6 weeks. They’d stopped growing but I had no idea. My symptoms never waned, I continued to feel all the morning sickness and fatigue. Much worse than with my first. And yet there was no longer a baby growing in me.

I was getting ready to announce to family and friends after that appointment. Instead I was sent home with some medications to help my body with the miscarriage. Which made for one real shitty weekend. I won’t go into details but it was like a heavy, painful period. Then Monday the bleeding slowed down a lot and all of my pregnancy symptoms disappeared. That’s the only part I am grateful for… If I had to lose a pregnancy I did not want to feel pregnant for one more second.

I asked my husband if he wanted to tell people about it. Family and friends. He was reluctant. He said he didn’t know how this would affect us long term. We didn’t know how hard it might be to get pregnant again, we didn’t know if we’d have another loss, and the last thing we wanted was pity. This is why I didn’t talk about this sooner. I was vague in my January post when I said we were taking a break from trying.

We decided we wouldn’t start trying again until he was finished with his EMBA program in May. We were just so busy and stressed we needed a break. I didn’t think we’d get pregnant again in the first month! Our daughter took some effort which you can read about here.

OMG my mirror is so dirty! Please don’t judge

I had the laparoscopic surgery again last August and it took us three months to get pregnant again after that. Which would have put my due date this week. One in four pregnancies miscarry in the first trimester. This is why some people wait until after the 12 week mark to announce their pregnancies.

Knowing how common it can be before it happened helped me cope with it a lot. It was still shitty. I was still sad. But I knew that just because this happened didn’t mean it would happen again. It didn’t mean I would have trouble conceiving again. It was just a random shitty thing that happened, that delayed our future plans.

Luckily that delay was not long. We feel so fortunate that we were able to get pregnant again on our first month of trying. Really I am so thankful to be pregnant again before my previous due date. It will make this week a little easier I think. I should be within weeks of delivering by the time I hit my miscarriage anniversary in January. All of this has made coping a lot easier.

Sorry again for the prolonged absence. I have been wanting to be more open and honest here on the blog and I even wrote about it back in April. I don’t know why I keep things so close to my chest. For the most part I have a great support system and awesome friends and family. There are a few people I have a hard time sharing things with. People I can’t cut out of my life (my mom and dad – who still don’t know about the miscarriage). I guess I worried they’d read this blog and be upset that I didn’t tell them, but I really don’t think they even know about this blog and maybe if they do see this it will help them understand that they haven’t always been a “safe space” for sharing. One more step toward being open and honest!

You will know if you are reading this if I worked up the courage to actually post it.

11 comments

  1. Welcome back! And congratulations! And, my condolences. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Oh my, what a roller coaster you’ve been on. No wonder you took a break from trying to put all of that into words for your blog.

    You look happy, healthy and fit. I hope the rest of your pregnancy proceeds without too many of the not-so-fun symptoms.

    Has your daughter picked out any names, yet?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love that you ask that, she comes up with the most interesting name suggestions! I am not sure if my spelling will do justice to her pronunciations but so far she’s offered: Gootget, Slewslef and Looggug. I don’t know where she gets this stuff but it is endlessly entertaining.

      Like

  2. oh my god, Kimi! what a crazy time for you. so sorry to read you had to go through a loss at the beginning of the year, but so nice to read the happy ending. 😀 soooo happy for the three of you that there’s a baby on the way!
    (by the way, I fully agree the silence on the blog… I’ve done the same… but I guess I can start writing now as well. I’m in my 17th week of pregnancy. ☺️) this means your baby is due in January 2021 as well? so nice to go through such a beautiful life episode together. 🙂 I wish you a smooth and happy pregnancy and look forward to more updates! all the best for you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s great to have you back. Kinda feels like we might have talked somewhere else…
    I’m so so sorry you went through those desperately sad times. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
    Today I am so so thrilled for the both of you. I really am. Gary xx
    PS what dirt on the mirror – is that just me being a bloke…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just found your blog, congrats so many times over!!! I documented my pregnancies on a different, more public blog, and have always loved looking back on those posts. Done having kiddos now but still wistful about the chance we didn’t get – my 2nd husband was fixed before I met him.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m glad you shared your story and journey. I see you on Instagram and am very happy. You are a glowing mother!! ♥️

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s